Ruthe-Ellen

this’ for you.

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 09:46:19 +0000

You or me. It doesn’t matter anymore. You miss me and I miss you. When we’re together, we sets something free. Sure we had some fights but we make it up and laugh. I don’t care what did happened to us. I really want you. I’ve always wanted to kiss you everytime you made me laugh. Oh, let the sun burns while we’re at it. I don’t care what the others think. Everytime I find a reason to cry, you gave me so much more reasons to smile. When I’m with you, I don’t see anything else but you. You redefine my life. I want it to be us again. Especially when I know you want it too. Can you just scream it out because I’m waiting for you.

in this room

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 23:02:30 +0000

Countless awakening nights
Where I am staring
At the twelve lines
Into the corners of this room

Thinking I don’t have a choice
One way or the other
I’m trapped in this room
There is no way to get out

It doesn’t matter how hard
I want to beg to differ
Or imagine a door
On one of these walls

For me to open and get out
And live the dreams
Laughing and breathing
But… you said I can’t

So I try to change myself
And to please you
By staying in this room
Staring at the lines blankly

Living in this room
Makes me a pretender
And a hypocrite to myself
By saying I’m really happy

I want to get out, I want to scream
I want to tear the walls down
I want to live my dreams
Laughing and breathing

Time runs too long
Not knowing which day it is today
Being mute and insolated
As the anger builds inside

So when I can’t take it anymore
I screams as I knock
The walls down, one by one
As my anger boils out

Now that its all down
And those nights are over
I can sleep and breathe again
And now, I can live my dreams.

By: Ruthe-Ellen

strength

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:42:57 +0000

Strength isn’t something you have. Its something you find. Strength doesn’t come through seeing. It only comes through faith.

you’d know by then.

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 11:37:53 +0000

Sometimes its hard trying to understand when you wanted to know the why’s to everything but sometimes its easier to laugh at the things you don’t know and feel silly for demanding to know all of them. Time is brilliant. Let it tick away to the times you’d know by then.

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman

where were you, dad?

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Fri, 21 May 2010 13:52:36 +0000

Hey dad. Hey dad.
I said, hey dad!
Look at me, dad.
Turn off the television
And listen to me.
Are you listening to
What I have to say right now?
Did I ever make you proud?
Am I even a jewel to you?
Well, dad, I don’t think I am now.
I know for the fact that I never was.
You knew our relationship
Got broken away
When I was just a little girl
And yet, you always hoped for
A forgiveness from me.
And guess what, dad?
I forgave you a thousand times.
You never cease to mess it up
Over and over again.
The mirror you’ve created for me
When I was a little girl
You broke it all
And I’ve been trying to
Bring it all back together
Just because I wanted to be
Like every other girls
Who is a daddy’s girl
That loves them back
That shows them the way
That protects them
That cares so much for them
But you are not him
And I will never be that girl
And I should stop fixing
That stupid broken mirror
While I was growing up
You’re just an old man
Who comes home being angry
To play the video games
And to hurt us
Until you fall asleep.
While I was growing up
You’ve never been to
My basketball games
Or any awards ceremonies
And when my friends asked me
Where is your dad?
And I had to say,
He is at home,
Playing the video games
And come to my mind
You was never there for me
When I was sick in the hospital,
When I brought home a boyfriend,
When I get in trouble in school,
When I get a nightmare,
When I need someone to run to,
When I needed a hug
And someone to tell me that
Everything will get better,
Where were you, dad?
Better off, you’re just an old man
Who was never around.
And it takes a real man to be a daddy
And you’re just a father to me.
It took me twenty years
To realize that, father.
Yes, I just called you father
Instead of dad.
I hope this hurts you as much
As you’ve hurt me
Throughout my life, father.

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman

the impossible

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 08:38:36 +0000

Throughout the storm and the sunshine
I built my confidence
Anywhere and everywhere
And I still walked in the light
Within me and shining
Right out of my eyes

And when you looked at me
You thought it was impossible
And when you see it through
You still think it was impossible
And when you’re wondering
Let me tell you, its all real

When the impossible faced you in presence
Hold onto your confidence
And its not broken
It will carry you through
And don’t look away
And it all will work out

And when you looked at me
You thought it was impossible
And when you see it through
You still think it was impossible
And when you’re wondering
Let me tell you, its all real

Don’t be discouraged
If you failed something today
Because the bright side is
Tomorrow is a new day
Smile it up and shout it out
We’ll shine it all with our light

And when you looked at me
You thought it was impossible
And when you see it through
You still think it was impossible
And when you’re wondering
Let me tell you, its all real

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman

broken forever

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 07:35:16 +0000

Life is what happens
When you don’t see it coming
Nobody said it will be easy
But not one have told me
It will be this hard
I tried so hard to beat it
And I tried really hard
But it seem like its broken
And its not going to be working out
And I’m not supposed to
Beat it and get it over with
I waited and waited
The time isn’t all I’ve got
It kept running out
And I’m fading away
And I’m not winning this time
I thought Heavenly Father don’t
Give me something that I can’t handle
I don’t understand
And I still don’t
And this is broken forever
This battle is something
I can’t win against
But it doesn’t mean
I can’t take it
Like a broken woman
My light is still burning though
At least its something
You can’t take away from me
Even if you broke me forever
Even if you broke me forever

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman

almost impossible

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 11:18:23 +0000

Maybe its just me
Maybe its just my eyes
That they didn’t like to see
And the things had to happen so fast
I thought it was almost impossible
No souls would have thought
It could happen between
You and me
The world would think
We’re mad crazy
But then, its true
You brought the thunder
Over my head
The river across my cheeks
With running mascara
Over the bags of my eyes
Every single nights
Ever since this night
I wanted to scream
I wanted to hurt you
You walked away
Like nothing happened
And everything was alright
But your apologizes don’t seem
Satisfying enough at all
And maybe its just you

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman

the land of red rocks or bust.

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:43:57 +0000

The sun was setting down gorgeously in Riverside, California for one last time for me. Totally overwhelmed with saying goodbyes to my friends and my family and facing the silence that was closing in with my time being done in my home town for now. Feeling the music within my excitement for the new adventures that awaits me as my heart beats rhythmically.

I have three boxes packed with my nonsense. Six suitcases were filled with my colorful clothes. Whoa, wait… Did I said six suitcases?! Yes, you heard that right but you didn’t ask me the sizes of them. I’d say maybe two out of six suitcases are simply duffel bags and they’re the biggest bags I have. Not only that, other two boxes were also stocked with random stuff that was coming from my room. I emptied my white bedroom with its blankness and I stuffed those boxes and bags into my tiny black Chrysler PT Cruiser car.

Ruthe-Ellen, where are you going with those stuff? Utah! Oh, wait. Why did you choose to go to Utah? Why not stay in Riverside? Or attend Gallaudet University? You don’t look like the kind of person who would want to live in Utah than in any other states! What in the world were you thinking you’re doing?

For once of my life, I made the right decision. I don’t care what the people think of this. I’m moving there for so many reasons. I’ve never felt so right to do this. I know I have duties to be fulfilled there.

Where in the states has one of the best doctors? Utah. Yes, you’ll be surprised what Utah have. You may think its the state that filled with the Mormon people and that’s it. Well, you’re wrong. There are a lot more than that. Why am I worried about that? Well, I care about my health. For it is a paramount concern, it is very important to me. Its my life line. No, I’m not selfish. If I want to live to help others, I’d have to help myself first. Its called a smart move. If you’ve never heard of it before, I pitied you. With my life, I know I’ve a lot to face and I’m going to be prepared.

There are a lot more college choices beside just BYU in here. While growing up, I’ve always thought BYU was the only school in Utah and that all the Mormon attends there. Boy, was I wrong? Colleges in Utah have everything that any other college do have. You may not realize it but I did. And again, don’t get me wrong. I do want to attend Gallaudet University as always. As I said before, the timing is wrong. While I’m here in Utah, I can grab every chances I can get.

Any other places than California, that is close to home and that I can have good opportunities to have a job and to attend school, is the place called Utah. There are opportunities for the degree fields and non degree fields. Its basically deaf friendly in here. Of course, Utah has its weakness but I’m saying, what is so bad about it?

Okay, Ruthe-Ellen, what are you talking about; school and job? Why are you worried? Why did you picked different paths than the rest of us did? I’m not ordinary and you know that. My life factor is way different than any other souls you may see. I still can do wonders. I will make you proud with no questions asked.

This is it.

out of my mind

Ruthe-Ellen Auman — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 11:51:05 +0000

Please forgive me if you think
I’m cold to your bones
And it seems like
I hate you with all of my guts
When I walked out of that door
But really, I don’t hate you
What can I say
Tonight is just too dark
No stars sparkling out there
The problems came to stay
I wanted to scream
I wanted to shout
And I don’t know what to do
And I don’t know what to think
And it kept coming for more
It was overflowing on my back
And it can’t seem to get off
I felt like a hunchback
I’m sorry if I pushed you out
I was way out of my mind
I really didn’t mean to seem like it
And I hope you’d understand
And when it happens again,
Just don’t let me walk
Out of that door
Just hold me tightly and tell me
Everything is going to be okay
And that you understand
And I promise you
That tonight won’t be as dark
As it has been if you do
And the stars will smile at us

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman