I have three boxes packed with my nonsense. Six suitcases were filled with my colorful clothes. Whoa, wait… Did I said six suitcases?! Yes, you heard that right but you didn’t ask me the sizes of them. I’d say maybe two out of six suitcases are simply duffel bags and they’re the biggest bags I have. Not only that, other two boxes were also stocked with random stuff that was coming from my room. I emptied my white bedroom with its blankness and I stuffed those boxes and bags into my tiny black Chrysler PT Cruiser car.

Ruthe-Ellen, where are you going with those stuff? Utah! Oh, wait. Why did you choose to go to Utah? Why not stay in Riverside? Or attend Gallaudet University? You don’t look like the kind of person who would want to live in Utah than in any other states! What in the world were you thinking you’re doing?

For once of my life, I made the right decision. I don’t care what the people think of this. I’m moving there for so many reasons. I’ve never felt so right to do this. I know I have duties to be fulfilled there.

Where in the states has one of the best doctors? Utah. Yes, you’ll be surprised what Utah have. You may think its the state that filled with the Mormon people and that’s it. Well, you’re wrong. There are a lot more than that. Why am I worried about that? Well, I care about my health. For it is a paramount concern, it is very important to me. Its my life line. No, I’m not selfish. If I want to live to help others, I’d have to help myself first. Its called a smart move. If you’ve never heard of it before, I pitied you. With my life, I know I’ve a lot to face and I’m going to be prepared.

There are a lot more college choices beside just BYU in here. While growing up, I’ve always thought BYU was the only school in Utah and that all the Mormon attends there. Boy, was I wrong? Colleges in Utah have everything that any other college do have. You may not realize it but I did. And again, don’t get me wrong. I do want to attend Gallaudet University as always. As I said before, the timing is wrong. While I’m here in Utah, I can grab every chances I can get.

Any other places than California, that is close to home and that I can have good opportunities to have a job and to attend school, is the place called Utah. There are opportunities for the degree fields and non degree fields. Its basically deaf friendly in here. Of course, Utah has its weakness but I’m saying, what is so bad about it?

Okay, Ruthe-Ellen, what are you talking about; school and job? Why are you worried? Why did you picked different paths than the rest of us did? I’m not ordinary and you know that. My life factor is way different than any other souls you may see. I still can do wonders. I will make you proud with no questions asked.

This is it.

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman

I know what its like
When everything is
Falling apart
And nothing goes right.
Let me be your friend.
Let me be there for you.
If you wanted out,
Let me take you.

You’re having a bad day,
Its only a day
But it doesn’t have to be forever.
We will make it through the day.
This day will be gone
When the sun comes back the next day.
And it doesn’t mean
You’d have to go too.

I know what its like
When everything is
Falling apart
And nothing goes right.
Let me be your friend.
Let me be there for you.
If you wanted out,
Let me take you.

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman

Sometimes
I wondered
What would it be
If I was not here
But to be on the other side
There with you

In all the raining days
Dumping on you
But then, I will be
Your sunshine
And make it seem
It is easier for you

Everywhere I go
I tried to find
Answers to my questions
I turn and look for it
In every corners
I walked into

Back at home in California
There is always a sun
Shining down everywhere
But not on me
And I wondered why
And I probably don’t care

Smiling on the rough days
Is what I do the best
But crying is good
For my soul
But then, I wondered why
And I probably don’t care

Everywhere I go
I tried to find
Answers to my questions
I turn and look for it
In every corners
I walked into

In my entire life
Friends that come and go
I continue to please them
And I knew
Its not an answer
To all of my problems

But with my surprise
I discovered what I can do
With my life
When I please myself
Everywhere but home
There are answers

By Ruthe-Ellen Auman

There are so much things I wanted to share but then, I lost a track of it. I wish I still am able to write my blogs daily like its a journal. I used to write everything that is on my mind. I also realize that back then, beside school, I stayed home. My parents don’t let me to go out and socialize unless if its a Mormon activity. So then, I was lonely. The papers and pen are what kept me sane. Music and movies too. And now, I’m not lonely anymore. I went out when I want to. Nobody can tell me that I can’t. So that I’m doing things when I went out, I am busy. Where is the time for me to write all of my thoughts now? It’s gone. I miss that habit of writing. I know its never too late to bring it back but then, I’m happy where I am now, nevertheless.

One thing I’d like to share about from my road trip from home to Utah… I was so confident about this trip and I knew I’ll be happy with whatever I’m going to do while I’m at Utah. Before I left, I said several prayers in a row – non stop. I don’t know why but I did. When I hopped into my car, I was SOOOO thrilled to leave already. Little did I know, at the beginning of the road trip, I drove through the freakiest storm of my life. I’ve never experienced it before. It felt like a hurricane attacked the area. My car was trying to get out of the control. I can feel it with my steering wheel, tires and everything. I couldn’t even see 3 foot further than my car. It was SOO foggy that all I see are grey and white. It was also pouring so hard that my car went off the track several times. I believed that it’s a bit flooded. Not to mention this but the winds blew so hard. My car were tipping at some points. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do but to say my prayer was the first thing that came to my mind. I turned off my radio and started to say my prayer while I was driving. All of the sudden, the storm faded away and I can feel I’m in the completed control of my car. I felt peace but then, I saw cars and trucks were parking on the side of the highway like they’re still stuck in the storm. The first thing I thought was, “Why didn’t they keep going and beat the storm?”

Its just like life. When it gets so hard, why did we stop and wait til someone saves us? Why can’t we fight through it? No matter if you’re feeling alone, you’re never alone. We all are a lot stronger than we think we are. God may not take the obstacles and problems away just because its hard for us. When we face one of them, all we can do is to pray and ask the Lord to help us to get through it. Never hide from them and wait for an angel to come to get you. If you want to get out, the only way you can do is to go through it.

You are the warrior of life, Fight it!

For so many people’s lives, they have something to hold against the others. Why can’t we just let go and laugh it off? All they’ve been doing is to pull each other down before they reach for the top. Its like they want to be the only one who’s on the top and look down on the others. All the others will feel knocked off and dead. They think they’re better than the rest. Really, its never true. Just open up your eyes and see what they can do. You’d be amazed.

From what I’ve seen, everyone is criticizing each other. Why can’t they just shut up and enjoy the show? If it bothers them so much, okay, give them a bit of advice or tips. Seriously, is it necessary to put the others down so you can feel better about yourself? How selfish we are to think of ourselves but not one another’s happiness? If they’re trying, just simply push them up. The world will be a better place if you do.

My experience at Riverside adult school yesterday has been humbling my prideful heart. Every time I had to go there, I’ve never got the chance to interact with some people or be “people watching” while I’m sitting back in the hallway. Yesterday, I did and I think I’m fortunate enough to bump into a forty-year-old lady who is learning ASL. She said she never got the chance to complete high school when she was my age. So many things popped up in her life that she has to stop educating herself for a while. She felt that her dreams has been devastated, then, she didn’t let go a piece of hope. She knew she could capture her dreams now as she’s doing her part. She is also a nurse-in-training. And then, it hit me so hard and I realized that nothing really is too late. I’m amazed at her age that she didn’t let go of that piece of hope. I think I probably would but then, later on, I’d say differently. There will always be another chance, another way or another road. Forget regrets or life is yours to miss.

For the last four years, it has been hell for me. There were various of people who has been hard on me and I am hard on myself too. Many people told me that they think I should consider getting the GED. I used to think the people who has the GED are losers. I was too prideful to get one and kept fighting my way through high school. I was too stubborn to listen to some wise people. The experiences I have had to go through is really rich. I don’t think I’ll trade those mistakes I made or the obstacles I overcame just to get the GED earlier. Nevertheless, I’m happy where I am now. If I’ve gone back and changed everything, I will not have the amazing people in my life right now. If I did, I probably will never understand anyone, or what they’ve gone through. Everything happened for a reason, indeed.

Just simply sitting in the hallway for around an hour yesterday, I thought, and realized, “who am I to judge them but me?” I felt truly dumb for thinking I’m better than them. They’ve had hard-knocked lives. This I can see inside their eyes when they were walking by. I wasn’t sure if my heart softened or it’s breaking apart. At that point, I realized that I’m just like them. Fighting and struggling. Keeping our heads up as we strive for the best. After, I gulped my big pride. How stupid of me to think I’m better than them all along, yet, I’m grateful for this simple experience to see a better insight on life. To have the GED isn’t a bad thing, not even a bit of it!

Pride is what ruined everything. Because of it, everything is either overrated or underestimated. I think its the best if all of us to let go of our pride. Be proud but not prideful.

You know, I used to stumble, wobble and complain. I pounded, cried and gave in. The sky is still blue whether the problems come and go. The ground didn’t become harder but I did. Its like I don’t break down like I used to. I used to cry myself to sleep every single night. I was once lost. Now, I realized I was never lost. Only I made myself feel like I’m lost. I didn’t realize that only me and myself allowed it to happen. The point is, that girl who does that isn’t me anymore. I grew and changed. Dude, I’m ready to fly.

Sure, many of my dreams has died away. It doesn’t mean I can’t stop creating dreams. No matter how many doors that was slammed into my face, I kept finding doors to open. There are always a way out if I’m trapped. I’m
grateful for the opportunities to live. To live is to make choices. I’m old enough to choose which path to pick, which attitude to use, which words to say, etc.

I’ve done wandering a several thousand miles. There were a lot of road constructions, I had to make some pit stops and I went out for some exploring to create new paths when I can’t keep going on a certain road. Yeah, I repeated a grade. Yes, I didn’t graduate. Yes, I changed the idea of what kind of life I want to live in. Yeah, I have several problems that need to be taken care of. Yeah, some demons had tried to stop me from going. Sure, I have some obstacles that might block my childhood dreams, but it doesn’t mean its the end of the world. I don’t care if I disappoint you or myself but I hope you will truly understand why I’m doing this. I hope you will understand that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy. Even if I have to find a different path instead of the ones you think I’ll be in. Even if I have to stay in the hospital in the same room with someone who’s dying just to get a treatment. Anything to make me feel better. Anything to make the sickness inside of me to go away. To do this, is to stay happy.

I know I grew up wanting to attend Gallaudet University and to play ball for them. I know I always wanted that. With the monster living inside of me, I can’t. If I ignore this monster, it will grow bigger and I can no longer do many things I want to do. To play ball isn’t forever even though later on, I’ll be strong enough to play again, even if it’s short lived. And also, to attend Gallaudet, I’m not throwing this dream away yet. I’m still hoping to attend and experience Gallaudet when I can. Right now is not the best time. I have debt to pay for. But then, I know there will be a day when you cheer me on while there are fireworks exploding inside of my head. With whatever I’m going to do, I will make you proud.

I’ve got to remember that it’s never too late. There will always be another time until my time is done here. I know someone who finally decided to chase their dreams when they’re 55. She said she took so many detours in life. The problems kept coming up. And she wanted to do other things too. Overall, she is happy. I think being happy is by far the most important thing in life. I mean, why force yourself to do things that you don’t want to do now? Whatever you do in life, its okay to be happy. To live the way you want to live is not wrong. Nothing is wrong unless if you do it criminally.

As of for the problems in my life, I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I’m ready to be more optimistic than I usually am. I’m ready to surprise everyone like I always do. I’m going to shock and awe them. If my life takes to have more problems, let it come. Even if I can’t conquer some of it, I’ll learn and make the best out of it. For it to come, it will go by. If it meant to stay, let it be. I’m no longer afraid of anything. Everything happens for a reason.

Life; Bring it on.

My life is like a storm with a lot of familiar smiling faces surrounding it and trying to pull me out. Not all of the faces will want to pull me out, they’d like to watch me suffer sometimes. I’m stuck in the storm and always will be. No matter how much I’ve tried, I can always pretend I’m walking in the sun with no storm. If you think you’re happy, you’re happier than you think you are.

For the past year, I swear I didn’t know what hits me. It sure did hit me so hard and sunk me into the bottom. If only my courage wasn’t strong enough, I know I won’t be here. I’m currently swimming back to the top but then, I know there’s something I won’t be expecting to be hit again in the future.

If I didn’t know how to move on and smile, my life will be devastating.

And now, I’ve thought of you at times
As I was wondering
How could a pretty girl like me
To be with a guy like you
So charming on a side and a jerk in the back
With a breath-taking smile from the front

How can I blame you
Because if I knew
I don’t wanna blame you
We were in high school
We were so stupid
And we didn’t care

What else can I do now
Because it was just back then
And I already knew
We were in high school
We were so stupid
And we didn’t care at all.

By: Ruthe-Ellen Auman